I want to explore the subject of toxic relationships and how to approach them. While we often think of toxic relationships as occurring primarily in adult relationships, they can also happen with children. This often occurs due to a child's search for validation or connection.
A child who enters a relationship at a young age, say 13 or 14, may not have developed the skills to set proper boundaries and may not even understand what they are or should look like. This seeking of love can stem from a lack of connection within their family.
If we have a young boy who doesn't feel good about himself, and he meets a young girl who is also struggling with emotional trauma, this combination can create a toxic dynamic. The boy may appreciate the attention he receives from his new girlfriend, while she may enjoy having someone to control, similar to how she is controlled at home. Initially, the friendship may seem innocent, but it can quickly deteriorate into a toxic relationship.
This is a sensitive and triggering subject because when we see our child in jeopardy or suffering, we want to protect them. How we approach this situation can make a significant difference.
So as parents, what can you do?
First, confirm the relationship and its nature. Inviting the other child's parents for a casual social gathering can provide insights into their parenting style and how they interact with your child.
Once you have this information, you can educate your child about healthy relationships. However, avoid forbidding your child from seeing their partner, as this can push them closer together.
Keeping open lines of communication is essential. If you listen, your child will talk. If you try to fix the situation, they may shut down. Emotional abuse is often a control mechanism used in toxic relationships. Listen to your child and believe what they say.
Instead of pointing fingers at their partner, focus on discussing unhealthy behaviors in the relationship. It's likely that your child doesn't realize how they are being treated. Speak to your child as if in conversation, without directly addressing their partner. If you criticize their partner, your child may repeat this, leading to further issues.
Showing concern for your child can be misinterpreted. If it comes across as accusatory, it may shut down the conversation. However, if your concern is expressed in a non-judgmental and compassionate manner, it will be received as intended. For example, you could say, "You seem sad. Is there anything I can do to help?" or "You deserve to be treated with respect, always remember that."
If your child comes to you with concerns about their relationship or you both realize there is a problem, it's best to decide on the next steps together. This shows them that you respect their choices and opinions. Creating a safety plan may be necessary, often focusing on emotional safety and how to handle a breakup. If bullying occurs after the breakup, inform the school counselor and principal.
It's challenging to be in love when you don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. Be open to conversations, no matter how difficult or triggering they may be. Observation, knowing your child, and open communication are always beneficial in resolving most problems.
Keep in mind that if you yourself have been in unhealthy relationships, your child may have learned those patterns.
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